2014 End Thoughts

So this is me checking in, a year ago I posted about the new year. I wish I was as full of life as I was last year.

One of my biggest and most ambitious goals was to come out to my mother (and a few other people in the family). It was New Year's Eve when I thought about it for the first time in a while. I'm sad to report that I didn't.

With that semi-depressing talk out of the way, my year:

Places Visited:
Virginia -> Washington D.C. -> New York City
Canada - Victoria and Vancouver
Texas - Dallas, Austin

Projects:
updating this blog
Graduate School  - (animation)(research)
more vlogs
SIGGRAPH volunteer
running more often

Breaking Comfort:
using couchsurfing
going to another country on my own
making friends
more small talk
two week road trip with Grandparents and young cousins

Other Stuff:
It's hard remembering the last year, because it seems like it was halved. Half when I was an undergraduate finishing Civil Engineering degree, half as a graduate working towards a Master of Science in Visualization. I did a lot at times and a little at others. These past four or so months have been a blur and I lost part of myself, without even knowing. And back to the sad bits, it's just so darn easy to spiral down.
Um, what was I saying? I didn't do much in terms of projects, look at the damn list, updating this blog was part of it...yup. I spent most of my time focused on school and developing my social skills. If you forgot, two years were spent under a rock and the past two years I slowly crawled up. I'm at a point where I have friends and watch movies and go out to eat and chat and laugh and normal people stuff. Remember when I said I lost myself? I lost that girl content on being alone in her room and typing or drawing or watching or thinking of the future and how cool I would be. Now, I'm barely able to keep still and write this. I want to things, but a lot of times the opportunity arises and I back away, not sure of who I am. I guess a lot of the year was spent building myself up only to discover that I was a big hollow shell. Sigh, I can't escape this "sadness".
I'm typing this and I don't feel upset. I don't feel like crying. I have a smirk on my face and am thinking about what I can do tomorrow or now, the next step. How to fix things. It's like I'm in denial or just so beyond feeling sorry for myself that it's sort of empty.
Despite all this bullshit that I'm spewing out, there were many highlights in the year, times I felt like I could do anything. I climbed a mountain, made friends with a complete stranger, made friends, appreciated family, and learned a little bit more about how the world ticks.

So fuck it.

-Alyssa
How was your year?

High School King of Savvy: Sort of Review

I did not realize that the last drama I talked about was Master's Sun. I remember at the end of it I was skipping just to finish. King of Highschool was no different.

The leads:

Lee Min-Seok  - Seo In-Guk

Jung Soo-Young  - Lee Ha-Na

Jung Yoo-A  - Lee Yeol-Eum

Yoo Jin-Woo  - Lee Soo-Hyuk

Basic Plot:

Lee Min-Seok has to pose as his older brother, working a corporate job and juggling high school. Jung Soo-Young is in love with Yoo Jin-Woo, but eventually falls for Min-Seok.

Reasons for watching:

I have a huge celebrity crush on Seo In-Guk. When he smiles, my goodness… 

Reasons for Finishing:

I kept thinking it'd redeem itself. How could so many people like something so patriarchal?

-The female lead is nothing more than a run of the mill temp worker, eventually getting "upgraded" to secretary. Not by merit, Min-Seok demands she is re-hired in that position. She was had to be re-hired because Jin-Woo, the second lead, did not like her and decided to fire her, sparking all the feels for the rest of the show. 

-Let's talk about Jin-Woo. This guy is creepy. Though, I'll admit he changes near the end. He manipulates her, tries to force a kiss, and is a aggressive with his "feelings" which were never developed enough for me to find it plausible.

-Min-Seok is an alright character in contrast. He seems like someone who strives for fairness. What I didn't like was how the show pretty much handed him everything on a silver platter. Girl, check. Job, check. Awesome athletic abilities, check. Loyal friends, check. Stalker girl, check. Handsome, check, check, check!!!

-Trying to go back, I'm struggling to remember all my plot complaints that dealt with sexism…I guess I'll just move on to general grievances. The boy is 18 and the woman is 28…That's a huge gap for the age group. 28/38, good, but 18/28…no, no, no. I couldn't go with it. I'm 22 and just thinking an 18 year old seems icky.

-Gosh I don't feel like going beyond bullet point ideas. I doubt anyone would read this and if someone is, I'll go further. No use getting worked on something that isn't worth it. Kind of like reviewing a hallmark movie.

-Uh.... I did read some comments on Dramabeans and one talked about how the show went against normal conventions. The ending was unexpected, there wasn't too much angst, no rich guy, etc. In that respect, I liked the show.

Alyssa Notes:

As I'm typing this I pause in between. I feel like if someone else read it, they'd catch these pauses. It's not a nice flowing article, "girl, sexism, blegh". Oh, well. I will be talking about my more negative reviews in future posts. 

Rating 7.0/10 --- I finished :) and <3 Seo In-Guk <3

-Alyssa Pena

Originally written : (11:03pm)(12/18/14)(Friday)

Master's Sun: Sort of Review

Normally I open a word document for every single drama I watch, so I know where my time went. Perhaps an awesome idea will be born, at the least I'll improve my writing. This time around, I just wanted to let it out, I did not like a good chunk of this drama. 

Things started off well... Aside from the norm in Korean dramas, "me man, she woman" gender roles. Every now and then the woman had the upper hand, just not in a way that was beyond feminine charm. I continued watching for a good portion of the show, because of the lead female Gong Hye-jin. She, along with Seo In-Guk, is someone that I enjoy watching on screen. I might make a separate post of all the things I've seen with her in it. 

The drama hooked me, always hinted that her character had an extra level of depth (going beyond the helpless damsel) when bringing up her life before her accident. She used to be top of her class, popular, confident, outgoing and the bing bam boom she saw ghosts and was dismissed as crazy. I figured somewhere down the line she'd get over the ghost complex. The assertive female lead that I craved would take over the frail women who clung to the hero male. Somewhere around the halfway point I gave up. 

 Far into the show I decided what the hell, might as well finish it. By episode 12, I was skipping a good chunk of the scenes, barely making it through the finale.

Finale Summary (spoilers...though not really): Bodyguard ends up with bratty woman, husband and wife began anew, side characters end up together, male and female lead banter around till the final scene. Yay...

Rating: 6/10
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: I'll discuss in another post, my "departure" from dramas. Just know that there's another review-ish thing that I will be posting and it's just as negative. I'm sure there was some good in the show and had I written while watching there'd be a lot more positives. It's just tiring watching a genre that progresses the role of a female at a snail's pace. 

Mozart and the Whale

I bought Mozart and the Whale at the now closed down Hollywood video years back when I was still in high school. I remember there was a conflict between the two protagonists and they had to overcome it to be together. It wasn’t some stupid tragic love story, more like realizing things need work to work.

This entry is for the line I liked and didn't feel like throwing away.

Isabelle Sorenson: You can kiss my self-esteem butt, Donald Duck. Why tell your life story, and tell only the good parts?
Donald Morton: It's Donald Morton.
Isabelle Sorenson: You're missing my point!
Donald Morton: No I'm not! I just - never know what to say.

Watch the movie for more context or just take my word that it was decent. It will be a while before I forget Josh Hartnett in a whale suit. 

-Alyssa

Shy

A few years back I noticed a book called Shyness: What it is. What to do about it. at my neighborhood garage sale. While I normally dislike self-help books, this particular one intrigued me. There was an image of a girl (maybe a woman) hiding behind a "tear" in the cover. What type of shy person buys a book with an image that would make a passerby question your emotional stability and the word SHYNESS as a large headline. I should have scrapped the book then and there.

I took the book with me to college, with the thought that I would one day get my 25 cents worth of advice. Eventually (a few weeks back), I decided it was now or never. To my surprise and delight the first few pages were describing personalities just like mine; people that would take alternative routes to avoid small talk, people who weren't always quiet, people who just didn't know how to interact. I continued, hoping that there'd be some resolution. However, it kept going on and on about these people and I began to realize that the writer was not shy. He was looking at the bugs inside the jar. 

Although I didn't get anything out of the book I learned that I wanted to find someone (people) just like me and I wanted to know that it'd be okay. Perhaps someone will read this and relate in the slightest. 

I tossed it. 

-Alyssa

Strudel Cupcakes

When I graduated from high school (4 years ago) I decided that I'd make cupcakes for the teachers that had made a good impact on my life. I bought a box for cinnamon strudel and my best friend and I got to baking the night before school ended.

I don't have pictures, but I remember that they somehow managed to turn green. We might have put food coloring in...I don't remember. They looked awful though and wrapped each in tin foil accompanied by an envelope that kept to the above card's format.

I got to school nervous about what each of the teachers might say. Would they laugh, think I'm weird, throw it away right in front of me? I decided not to distribute them, not even handing out a thank you note. I should have just bought an apple.

Any similar experiences?

Health and Fried Green Tomatoes

I should make it a goal to write on here at least once a month.

What I hate about writing is I use "I" a lot, a lot. Most of my sentences start with it and I cringe looking at them all together. It's the disadvantage of being alone.

A good thing is that I am starting to think more positively about my image. I still don't know how to dress well, but I have few outfits that work that aren't t-shirts. You never really hear famous people talk about dieting and if you mention it to your friends its taken in a negative connotation. You're labeled as the stuck up prick who rather look good than eat whatever they want. It's true, I just don't think I'm going through great lengths to eat well. I like carrots and all that healthy stuff to begin with. I want that negativeness to go away.

And with that, I ate fried green tomatoes today and enjoyed it. That is until my stomach got upset from not being used to fried food.
Like many, I become a fan of media easily; actors, movies, books, TV shows, you name it. For a while I've made it my mission to find decent lesbian films, counting things with subtext such as Xena (lots of it). My newest addition is the book Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe and the movie based off of it. I have a crush on Idgie Threadegood.
Part of the book is about the women Idgie and Ruth, their relationship, running a cafe, and people surrounding them. While I wish there was more about the two, the book jumps forward to an elderly woman and a everyday housewife talking about the past and present. The housewife, Evelyn doesn't really know where she fits in society as things are changing all around her. It reminds me of Fight Club, the book that explores how men were trying to find their place as well.

I won't say anymore about it for now as it deserves a post all to it's self.

Some news on my end, I graduated two or three weeks ago in Civil Engineering. I'll be going back to school though or a Master's in Visualization so it doesn't really feel like the end. I do however feel like my life is in moratorium.

Hope I used that last word correctly,
Alyssa