Having a general idea
of what I want to write is bad sometimes. I feel like I’m back in high school
taking standardized tests with a prompt and 2 hours to write, which explains
why I haven’t actually sat down to flesh out my ideas on the subject of identity.
First, when we are talking about identity, it could be in
terms of sexuality or what makes you up as a person. In either case I agree
that it is possible to identify with multiple things.
Let’s discuss personality first. Practically everyone with
an internet connection has read/seen something that brings up identity not
being black and white. You can be funny and angry, sad and happy. This isn’t a
book with someone on the outside holding all the answers. Often times you don’t
even know what you’re feeling. Past emotions we can look at hobbies, maybe you
like to cook and play football, do math and be a cheerleader. There isn’t a set
rulebook telling us that it is impossible to do both, though some people may
argue otherwise.
With that thought out of the way, on to sexuality. Since
freshman year of college (maybe earlier) I’ve been trying to figure out exactly
what I identify with. Am I straight? Am I a lesbian? Do (can) I like both
sexes? I even thought to make a tally of which sex I preferred in hopes to add
up the columns and be done with it. I never did. I was too scared to have it
found and realized that it’s impossible to quantify feelings. Yes, there’s the
Kinsey scale (which I learned about last year), but that’s just a tool in
demonstrating the fluidity of sexuality.
I still don’t know without a doubt where I stand. Right now
I’m good with bisexual and honestly I’m too afraid to really own it in fear
that that might change. There will always be people waiting to tell me I told
you so, whether it is from the queer community, homophobic people, or my own
family. I do know, that just like love isn’t something that can be pinpointed
to an exact moment, figuring out who we are and being ready to share that isn’t
always “I knew it since two years ago, Tuesday”.
I’m really anxious for others to learn, just as I am, that
there might not be an absolute answer. Being me is good. If you can identify in
other ways cool, at the end of the day it’s just adjective with definition that
varies from person to person.
